Guiding a Child Through Repentance

These kinds of conversations happen regularly for every parent—from the time that their children start talking until they move out. One of the most important disciplines for Christian parents is to use these conversations as a time to lead children to Christ.

Recently, it came to my attention that one of my children—we’ll just say “him” for the sake of this article to keep the child’s identity anonymous— had basically not been doing his homework, and his grades were now suffering pretty severely. We had not known this was happening and we were caught off guard, so I brought the child downstairs to have “a talking to.” 

These kinds of conversations happen regularly for every parent—from the time that their children start talking until they move out. One of the most important disciplines for Christian parents is to use these conversations as a time to lead children to Christ.

This recent conversation for me was a reminder of what tremendous resources we have in both the Law and Gospel as we parent our children. If we want them to see how following Christ is not just some compartment of life (which happens only on Sundays), then guiding them through the regular practice of repentance is one of the most important elements of our discipleship for them.

Many parents might wonder, “How do you guide a child through repentance?” The short answer is: 1) use God’s law to show the child their sin, 2) offer them forgiveness and redemption in Christ, and 3) invite them to commit to obeying Christ from that point on.

Any member of our church will recognize how this process mirrors the liturgy we do every Sunday in worship. Some of the key components of the liturgy are: 1) the reading of the law and confession of sin, 2) the assurance of pardon and preaching Christ from the Scriptures, and 3) professing faith using the Apostles’ Creed and presenting our lives in obedience through prayer and the offering. This liturgy is the pattern for the whole Christian life, and it should be the pattern for the many conversations we have with our children about their sin.

I asked my child if I could use his experience as an example, and he agreed. 

Use The Ten Commandments As A Mirror To Show The Child His Sin

It is not uncommon for parents to wish they saw a deeper sadness over sin in their children. That sorrow for sin is not something we can produce by yelling or scolding; the Lord’s main tool for revealing sin is God’s Law. As Paul says in Romans, “Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, ‘You shall not covet’” (Rom. 7:7). The law shines light on the sinfulness of the human heart. It is like a mirror that shows us who we really are.

We should not be surprised that our children are sinners, and at this moment it is likely good to tell them that. “You are a sinner, just like me. I get it.”

The two great summaries of God’s Law in the Bible are the Ten Commandments and the two great commandments from our Lord (love for God and love for neighbor). Both of these should be ready tools in the back pocket of every Christian parent.

In my recent conversation, the Ten Commandments were my mirror choice. I asked, “Do you know how you have sinned against God?” The child likely did not know a verse that says “You shall do all your homework.” So I asked, “Have you broken any of the ten commandments?” This question assumes the child has some familiarity with the Ten Commandments, so this might give some reason to make sure your children (and you!) know them. 

The first answer was, “I have lied.” I responded that that was true. “God says you shall not bear false witness. You told us you had been completing your homework, and that was not true. It is a violation of God’s law. Any other commandments you’ve broken?” At this point, the child needed some help. “How about, ‘You shall honor your father and mother’? Certainly telling us the homework was completed when it wasn’t dishonored us.” I also explained that the Bible says he has many mothers and fathers in his life, not just his mom and me. His teachers are spiritual mothers and fathers; the same is true of the administration of the school and the elders who have organized the school for this child’s benefit. 

What about having no gods before the Lord, the first commandment? This child had been wasting study hours chatting with friends. He was living in obedience to his peers and not to God. His friends had become his god. What about the Sabbath command? The Lord says we must work six days and rest on the Sabbath. To fail to work is a violation of the fourth commandment. What about stealing? Our family sacrifices to pay tuition to give our child a gospel education, and to squander that education is to rob us of our money.

In this conversation, there was no yelling or berating or unnecessary shaming. It was a simple statement of God’s law, held up like a mirror to show this child how pervasive sin is. Each of these laws shows how sin spreads and doesn’t just stay as one little lie. But you can see that as a parent, you have to be acquainted with the Ten Commandments yourself to be able to lead a child through this.

After this conversation about how this child had violated at least half of the Ten Commandments, he saw more clearly the nature of his sin and began to cry. What happens next is key. There is a great temptation to use the contrition of a child as an opportunity to press home, “Now don’t do that again! Get out of here!” But that is not why God has given us this law. We should always see these tears as a tremendous opportunity to lead our child to Christ. Whatever you do, don’t waste that opportunity.

Give Your Child The Opportunity To Profess Faith In Christ

Repentance does not mean, “Stop doing bad things and start doing good things.” It means, “Turn away from your sin, and turn toward Christ.” We should not be surprised that our children are sinners, and at this moment it is likely good to tell them that. “You are a sinner, just like me. I get it.”

The next message is to say that only Jesus can wash us of our sin. “How did he do that?” you might ask your child. And then let them tell you, “He died for my sins on the cross.” 

I will always ask next: “Do you believe in him?”

Every time I ask this question, I seem to hold my breath. This is the most important question parents will ask their children over and over from two years old to eighteen. Their answer is the most important thing in their whole life. When a child is confronted with their sin, will they believe in the grace of Christ? And when the child says “yes,” we should believe them! This profession of faith is of tremendous import. Flesh and blood has not revealed this mystery to them. If they believe in the grace of Jesus Christ, this means the Holy Spirit is at work in their lives and we should do whatever we can to assure them of this. “You would not believe unless the power of God was at work in your heart.”

Our church believes in infant baptism because we believe that the Lord intends for the children of his people to grow up within the covenant of grace. One of the ways that we avoid turning infant baptism into presumption is by inviting these professions of faith as often as possible. The more a child says they believe in Jesus over and over through their childhood, the deeper that reality is confirmed in their hearts.

But repentance involves more than simply resting in the forgiveness of Jesus. When the grace of Jesus has changed us, we want to live in obedience to him.

Make A Commitment To Obedience

Though repentance means turning from our sin to the grace of Jesus, Jesus says, “If you love me you will obey my commandments” (John 14:15). Similarly, if you read about the sin offering in the Tabernacle worship of Leviticus, repentance includes a resolve to no longer continue in sin. In the laws for the guilt offering, it says:

…in any of all the things that people do and sin thereby—if he has sinned and has realized his guilt and will restore what he took by robbery…he shall restore it in full and shall add a fifth to it, and give it to him to whom it belongs on the day he realizes his guilt. (Lev. 6:3–5) 

Basically, repentance involves a desire to make things right. Once the child has received the grace of Christ, he should make a commitment to obedience to Christ. This might include a plan for closer monitoring of the computer during homework time, or making sure chats are not open during study time. There might be consequences, like no video games until there is an improvement in grades. But all of this comes from the place of being a loved and forgiven disciple of Jesus.

Another way to make obedience an experience of grace is to remind the child of the gift of the power of the Holy Spirit: “Jesus has promised to pour his Spirit into your heart.” Don’t take this for granted. They don’t obey Christ in their own power, and God’s children need to be reminded over and over (just like you and I do) about the reality of the Spirit working in the midst of the weakness of their flesh.

And of course, pray for the grace of Christ over the child. End with a big hug.

This is the pattern of repentance: law, gospel, obedience. It is the pattern of our whole church every Sunday. It is the pattern of discipleship, and it is a pattern every child in our church should walk through a thousand times over the course of childhood. As they walk through it over and over again, they learn a lifestyle of repentance and a pattern we hope they never grow out of. As the first of Martin Luther’s 95 Theses says, “When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, ‘Repent' (Mt 4:17), he willed the entire life of believers to be one of repentance.” May our children see that pattern in us, and learn it as we guide them into it, over and over again.