A friend was asked this question recently, and asked me how I would answer it. He knew a woman whose husband had besetting problems with pornography. It had affected their marriage for several years, and this poor wife did not know what to do about it.

I assume other women in our church are in the same situation, so I thought I’d construct my thoughts and share them with you. I hope  it will be helpful for our community.

I’ll begin by saying that if you are in this situation, I am truly sorry. The pain that sexual addiction causes a couple is deep and difficult. I grieve for anyone facing this situation. It is common for people to think that pornography is an inevitable struggle for men (and women) and so become numbed to that pain. But it is not inevitable, and Christians should be careful to not think that way. We are not slaves of sin, and in the gospel there is always hope for redemption. 

That truth could make it even harder and a wife might think, “Then why am I having to deal with this?” But the fact that we are free in Christ, means there is hope for your marriage and this issue. Things can change. But you will not be able to change by your own strength. You will need the gospel, the Spirit, and God’s people as your strength. You will need help. 

This article is here to help you find that help. It also may be relevant to other issues besides pornography. 

So, what should you do?

Pray

This step is easy to skip, but it’s the most important.  The first place to ask for help is at the throne of grace. If you have not addressed this issue with your husband yet, certainly go to the Lord. But if you have, then pray together. There is nothing that aligns the hearts and purposes of a couple more powerfully than prayer. It creates humility and hope and opens your marriage to the greatest power in the universe. 

Talk to Your Husband

Marriages differ in how much a couple is willing to enter into important conversations. For some couples, it goes without saying that the wife would confront her husband about pornography use, even if it is a sensitive issue. But some wives may feel that since the Bible calls a wife to respect her husband, this means she cannot confront him about ways he is sinning against her. “Am I disrespecting my husband if I say he can’t sin against me?”

Jesus says to all Christians, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” He is not only your husband, he is also your brother. It is important for him to hear clearly from you, “You cannot sin against me in this way.” There are ways to say this that maintains respect. And that is always wise and in step with the gospel. God esteems us even when we don’t deserve it. People receive things better when they feel respected. A wife’s confrontation will always be better received when it is clothed in respect and honor. 

Jesus also says we should take the log out of our own eye. Again, that is good. But it needs to be said that pornography use is a grievous violation of the marriage covenant. It is not a small sin, and an overly humble spirit should not keep a wife from saying, “This absolutely has to stop.”

At what point should you do more than simply talk to your husband?

Talk to a Pastor

If pornography use has become a pattern, it is certainly time to talk to a pastor. How do you know if it is a pattern? One instance is not necessarily a pattern, but still might require action. Twice is possibly a pattern, especially if they happen close to one another. But certainly three times is a pattern. Again Jesus says if an initial conversation doesn’t work, you go to step two: “But if he does not listen, take one or two along with you” (Matt. 18:16). Your pastor is a good option for a second person to bring along to talk with your husband. If you go to a pastor and say, “We need help,” you are not disrespecting your husband. You have a right to the pastor’s support, and he has been placed there for you by the Lord Jesus himself, who wants you to feel supported. 

As your pastor, I want you to know this is why I am here. A big part of my work as a pastor is shepherding members of our congregation through trials like this. I know these matters can be hard to discuss, but I also know that the longer they go unaddressed, the harder they are to deal with later. This is why your pastors are here. We want you to feel comfortable approaching us.

Also, it may help to bring a woman that you trust along for a conversation like that. If you don’t have a woman like that in your life, just let us know and we could recommend a woman in that congregation who could be a loving support.

So once you go to the pastor, what role can you expect a pastor to play in helping with marriage problems?

Pastors are trained with different skills than counselors (though there is overlap). I usually don’t do long-term counseling with couples, and instead source out for professional counseling. I consider my role then to be threefold:

1. Help make a written repentance plan.

2. Make sure the plan is biblical, and offer biblical direction.

3. Support the couple and hold the husband accountable to the plan.

Your pastor is here both to help instill in the couple the seriousness of this issue and also assure them that the Lord is their Shepherd and help. Know that we are not surprised that sin is present in our church (that is why we are all here in the first place). And you as a couple are not “in trouble” with the pastor. Our desire is for both of you to experience God’s amazing transforming grace.

After that, helping with a structured plan is one of the best services a pastor can offer to a struggling couple.

Make a Written Repentance Plan

It is important to understand that repentance is not a moment but a process. Repentance involves confessing sin, grieving that sin, and receiving forgiveness. All that can happen in a single conversation. But it also involves committing to uproot the sin and put it to death. That takes time. It involves exploring the history of the sin: the behavioral patterns, desires, thoughts, and emotions involved in the sin. Since this is a process, a written plan provides railroad tracks to ensure the needed areas of repentance are being addressed. I believe it is best if this general plan is written and agreed upon by the pastor, husband, and wife together.

Also, the plan should address the whole person: both inner thoughts and emotions as well as external behaviors. It should have spiritual and practical dimensions.

It is important that the plan is written and even formatted nicely, so as to convey the importance of the plan. It should not feel like something that can easily be set aside. It also helps you, as the wife, know and remember what has been agreed upon. I suggest structuring the plan around these three sections: Gospel, Community, and Behavior. 

1. Gospel. Generally, more is involved in sexual sin than lust and desire. A heart that does not trust God turns to lust for a sense of control, pleasure, and respect. Pornography is a false god, so repentance that will truly be transformative must deal with and explore what is happening in the heart. What are the patterns and circumstances that lead to pornography use? What history of pornography use has led to this addiction? How was sex viewed by your husband’s family growing up? These questions and more need to be explored to get to the root of this pattern. Through this process, a man’s heart can move from idols to trusting more deeply in the love and grace of Jesus.

Action: Find a Christian counselor to help explore the inner movements of the heart, and help your husband find his identity more deeply in the grace and truth of Christ. Write on the plan how frequently he will meet with the counselor.

2. Community. Pornography offers a false sense of intimacy. One of the best antidotes to false intimacy is true intimacy. That does not need to be sexual or romantic. Your husband having  true friends who know and love him will greatly help him resist sexual temptation. Church groups are ideal for this. It could also involve scheduling regular times to spend time with trusted, godly friends. Ideally these groups also provide accountability for spiritual disciplines like prayer and Bible reading. 

But community is also crucial for you in this process. Having godly women in your life who know what your marriage is facing, who can encourage you, pray for you, and challenge you is essential. As your husband seeks to grow in repentance and holiness, it is an opportunity for you to do the same. Being hurt as you  have can tempt you to harden or distance yourself in your own ways. Other people’s sins always tempt us to sin ourselves. So your path of growth is also important. Each of you having support groups will strengthen you through this process and help you to love each other well through it. God’s grace works through his people.

Action: Structure into your week a discipleship group or support group with peers so that you can form deep, supportive relationships. Confess your sins to this group, and make sure to go, prepared, every week.

3. Behavior. Jesus is clear that with sexual sin, extreme measures may need to be taken to put the sin to death. Speaking specifically about sexual sin, he says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell” (Matt. 5:29). It is not enough to just have counseling and make friends. Discipline and behavioral changes must be clearly put in place as well. Whatever might cause sin or temptation needs to be removed.

Action: The plan should make sure all computers and devices have filters and accountability on them. There should be clear rules around technology and how your husband will be held accountable. The three of you (pastor, husband, wife) can together decide on clear consequences for what happens if he sins by looking at pornography even once. (For example, he will have to use a flip phone for six months.) Some technology might be off limits.

Make sure the written document also includes when the plan ends and/or how it can be changed. 

This might feel very formal, but it is one way your husband can communicate to you that he is serious about growing in holiness. Change doesn’t happen accidentally or by just drifting along. It will give you a sense of safety and hope that things are not just staying the same. And if there is an issue that needs our utmost attention, this is it.

If writing a plan like this feels overwhelming, I or pastor Matt would be happy to help you write it. Again, this is why we’re here.

And once you have your plan, there is one more crucial step for actually making the plan work: schedule follow-ups.

Schedule Follow-up Meetings

At the end of the meeting with the pastor, put down right then the next meeting, so it is scheduled. You want to avoid drift. These kinds of sins just go on aimlessly. 

Also, if you get off the plan, it is not the end of the world. A check-in gets everyone reengaged and reminded why we are doing this. 

You don’t want to be overloaded with meetings, so I’d imagine the meetings with the pastor might run like this:

1. Hear about the issue and sketch out a plan.

2. A week later: bring a written plan and finalize it; sign it.

3. A week later: one more meeting to check on how the plan is starting. Put a check-in on the calendar for a month later so that it doesn’t get forgotten. 

4. A month later: have a check-in.

5. Depending on need: schedule another check-in in the future. 

Pray

This whole process should be surrounded with prayer, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood” (Eph. 6:12). There is not a technique for being freed from sin. Knowing God in Christ is the only thing powerful enough to change us. So this plan is not a mechanical formula for fixing a very complex issue. 

But just like any relationship, our relationship with God thrives with structure. A marriage thrives with scheduled date nights. Sanctification thrives with a plan. But ultimately, it is not the plan that saves, but the grace of Jesus Christ.