Parenting Teens

As we treat them like fellow adult Christians, we give them the chance to start acting like that as well.

When I recently told someone that I have five teenagers in my home, they said, “Oh... that sounds rough.” I understand that response, especially considering the kind of teen I was. A rebellious teenager can certainly be a curse upon a household. But in my experience in talking to Christian parents, I've found that many consider these parenting years to be a true joy.

The key to finding the blessing in these years, as we prepare to send our beloved children into the world, is to understand what God is doing in this phase of their lives.

What makes adolescence different from early childhood? The Bible says that the transition from the young years to adulthood is a transition from law to freedom. Israel was God’s son, and they were given a law that acted like a tutor training up a child. But when the fullness of time came, Christ brought freedom to God’s people, and they were no longer under that law (see Gal. 3:23–4:7). 

Similarly, teens are moving from law to freedom, from discipline to discipleship. Parenting a five-year-old is very different from parenting a fifteen-year-old. Here are a few principles to guide us during this new season:

Begin with yourself—the parent.

“For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel. I urge you, then, be imitators of me.” - 1 Corinthians 4:15

Parenting is about imitation. Children are made in our image (Gen. 5:3), so the most important thing we can offer our children is an example of a Christ-centered life. If parents expect Christlikeness from their children but are not giving spiritual care to their own lives, they are only spurring their kids toward cynicism and discouragement. Our family’s greatest need is our personal holiness. 

What are some of the key components of a parent who has put Christ at the center of the home? Here are three places to start:

a. Spend the Lord's Day together, worshiping in God's house. I don’t think it is a surprise that the commandment immediately before “Honor your father and mother” is “Keep the sabbath day holy.” Worship is the prerequisite for parenting. You must honor the Lord before the children show honor to you. Gathering under God’s word and at his table every Sunday is the foundation for all of our parenting, and its importance can’t be overstated.

b. Make spiritual disciplines a priority in your life. I can’t remember how many people have told me stories about how they came to know the Lord, and a key element was: “I remember waking up every morning to find my mom or dad with their Bibles open and in prayer.” For many, the starting place for growth as parents is simply to begin with reading the Bible and praying everyday. 

c. Understand that repentance for sin begins with the head of the household. You are going to sin countless times against your children. As Martin Luther wrote, “When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, ‘Repent’ (Mt. 4:17), he willed the entire life of believers to be one of repentance.” If you want children who know how to repent, are you showing them regular repentance in your life? 

Our children should grow up with the sense that, “We were all sinners in my family, but I saw how Jesus humbled each of us, allowing us to admit our wrongs and to receive God’s grace. The gospel is what was holding our family together.”

You might ask, “But what if my own spiritual life is not in order?” Maybe your faith is an obligatory performance, with no real communion with God. Maybe you are angry and are regularly souring the mood of the home. Maybe you work too much and neglect your relationships with your children. Maybe you failed to discipline your children when they were young. 

Friend, there is a path forward for you. I invite you to the gift of repentance. There is maybe nothing more unnatural to us, but there is also nothing more hopeful. Repentance leads us to the hope of grace in Jesus. But this step cannot be skipped.

i. Tell God how your sin has affected your parenting. Reverently tell him your grief for the ways you’ve neglected to love your children. Resolve to take steps toward change, asking him for forgiveness and grace.

ii. Tell your spouse and children your sins. Don’t make excuses, and avoid self-pity. Ask them to pray for you. Don’t make promises that everything will be perfect from now on—but set some reasonable goals for how you plan to work on the things that need attention. And give them the opportunity to speak about how you can grow as a parent.

iii. Tell people in your Home Group, Discipleship Group, a pastor, or a godly friend. Invite them to ask you about these changes and to offer counsel. When your parenting is a process of regular repentance, only then will you find how much overflowing grace God has for us imperfect parents. As it turns out, repentance is the thing your teens need to learn more than anything else. It will not only lead them to Christ, but will also lead them to learning, to deep relationships, and to personal growth. Entering into adulthood will involve countless blunders—so parenting is about modeling repentance.

Share your life with your teen.

“All that the Father has is mine…” - John 16:15

“…all that is mine is yours” - The father in the prodigal son story, from Luke 15:31

Our ultimate model for parenting is God the Father’s relationship to his Son. The way the Bible describes their relationship is a shared life. The Father gives the Son all things, so the Son can offer all things back to his Father in the Spirit. In fact, the Greek word for share (koine) is the main thing the Spirit creates (koinonia = fellowship) in the church. I think it is a great picture of what joyful parenting of teens looks like.

“By showing that I trust them with my real life, they begin to trust me with theirs.”

I particularly like the idea of sharing because it doesn’t mean, “I lose happiness so you can have it.” Instead it says, “I want to bring you into my happiness so we can enjoy it together.” What about your joy as an adult can you share with your teen?

a. Share the things you love with your children. Over the years, God has given you enjoyment for certain things. Some of the things I love are deep discussions about God, playing tennis, and jamming musically. My wife loves cooking. You might like board games or hiking, working with your hands, building things, going mountain biking. These are all blessings God has given you to share with your children. Make this their experience: “My parents were always bringing me into their life, and I loved it.” Likely you will love parenting too, because you are doing the things you love.

Especially if you struggle to have deeper heart conversations with your teens, this can be a good place to start. My wife says, “If sitting down face to face for conversation is difficult, then bake something together. Try to talk while you are doing something you enjoy.” This puts everyone at ease and allows room for meaningful connection.

b. Share your real life with your children. As teens approach adulthood, they need to hear about an adult life that walks through struggles and trusts God. Your life is just such an example. Deuteronomy 6:7 says that one of the main times we teach our children is when we take walks with them. Sometimes parents want to connect with their kids while they are driving in the car (not a bad idea!), but this time for us can often be rushed, and may not be the best place for deeper conversation. 

Instead, I go on walks near my house on Saturday mornings with my boys individually. I want these walks to be a time for openness, so I have decided to share with my teens some of my personal struggles—at work, in relationships, with my faith or emotional life. I say, “These are things God is teaching me. These are anxieties I am learning to cast upon the Lord.” They feel honored to know about my real life, and I am showing them the pleasure of being vulnerable. I am modeling for them the things I hope they will do with me. By showing that I trust them with my real life, they begin to trust me with theirs.

The joy of parenting is sharing our life with our kids, and by doing so we make space for a third thought about parenting teens:

Make time to listen.

“I love the Lord because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.” - Psalm 116:1–2

God, our Father, is the great listener. Dietrich Bonhoeffer put it this way in Life Together: 

It is God’s love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear... Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening... One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and be never really speaking to others, albeit he be not conscious of it. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only for himself and for his own follies.”

I suspect that many parents have a fear of their child’s life retreating into hidden darkness. We wonder, “What is my teen thinking about? Why isn’t he talking? What is he doing in his room all those hours? What does he talk about with his friends?” (If you don’t have a fear of this, then you probably should!)

The only way a teen can walk out of the darkness and into the light is by talking—and they will only talk if there is space, time, and a non-anxious presence patiently willing to listen. I say “non-anxious” because they need to know that we are not going to freak out, whatever they tell us. We are not surprised by sin. We remember having these same struggles. 

This does not mean that we don’t have important things to say as well. Fathers are called to raise their children in the “instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). But wisdom knows that “he who gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Prov. 19:13). This is true with parenting as with any other area of life. 

So how are you making time for listening?

a. Dinner is a great time for discussion. The dinner table isn't the place for their deepest darkest secrets, but it is an opportunity to enter into discussion about God, the Bible, the world, culture, and ideas. I often have our family discuss a single verse from a letter in the New Testament. For example, just now I randomly pointed to a verse in Romans: “So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil” (Rom. 15:16). If you were to ask a couple of teenagers, “What does this mean?” I imagine you would have an interesting conversation about life, culture, and faith. It could go in all different directions. “What are examples of good being called evil? How would you keep that from happening, as the verse says?” 

But if you have a discussion like this, you need to keep quiet. Make time to listen to their ideas. Don’t lecture, even if you add some thoughts here and there. Be part of the conversation, but don’t fill the air with your “discipleship.” Let them try to work out what it means. If they ask you a question, answer it briefly. If you don’t know the answer, make sure to go research it—or even better, research it with them. But otherwise... listen. They, too, have the Spirit of God, and you will be encouraged with the insights they come up with.

b. Go on walks for deeper conversation. I mentioned walks earlier. These are times to give space for questions like, “How are you doing with lust?” or “How are you really doing?” And “How are you feeling about God and your faith?” or “What are your plans for the future? Tell me about your sense of calling.” You might think of others. Again, if you want them to open up, you should begin the walk by being the first one to open up. Ask them to speak into something you are facing. You will be surprised how often their insights are actually helpful and encouraging. Then at the end, you can pray for each other.

Our teens are moving from being the objects of our training to our peers in the faith. One of my deepest desires is to be friends with my children in their adulthood. Now is the time to start practicing that. As we treat them like fellow adult Christians, we give them the chance to start acting like that as well.