A church member recently asked how we as a church think of a complementarian view of the home. We had posted a job description for a Women's Ministry Lead position, and one of the requirements included: "Celebrates the Bible's complementarian view of gender in the home and church." Our church has written a position paper on women in ministry, but this member wanted to know more about how we view these roles when it comes to the home.

I’ll share some thoughts in two parts: first, what does a complementarian view mean for a wife? Second, what does it mean for a husband?

You might ask, “Why are you starting with the wife?” The main reason is that the Bible always gives instructions to the wife first (Eph. 5:22–33; Col. 3:18–19; 1 Pet. 3:1–7), possibly a sign of the honor God bestows on a wife. But also, people have more questions about these verses instructing wives than they do about those directed toward husbands. These passages tend to be alarming to many Christians in our culture and are some of the most controversial Scriptures in the whole Bible. So, here are four principles offering clarity on how we think about the commandment, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18).

1. Submission is how a wife imitates Christ.

For any Christian thinking through the submission of a wife, this picture of imitation is an important place to begin. Just the word “submission” offends and repulses in our current culture; we need to internalize its beauty if it is going to be a part of the regular vocabulary of our community.

Submission is rooted in the gospel—that is why Paul says it is “fitting in the Lord.” It fits with the gospel. It matches how Jesus relates to his Father. As 1 Corinthians 11:3 says, 

“But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”

Paul clearly makes a parallel between a wife and Jesus in this passage. A wife is imitating Christ when she takes a posture of submission in her marriage.

It is important to note that Jesus’ submission to the Father had nothing to do with his essential being. Jesus is not, in his essence, less than or subordinate to the Father. He relates to the Father as the “eternally begotten” one (WCF 2.3), but our catechism says he is by nature equal with the Father in power and glory (WSC Q6). He voluntarily submitted himself to the will of his Father in his acts of redemption (Phil. 2:5–7).

It follows that a wife is not, in her being, less than or subordinate to her husband (or to men in general). In deciding to marry a specific man she is, like Christ, voluntarily taking a place of submission to this one man. Such an act of submission, the Rule of St. Benedict says, “comes naturally to those who cherish Christ above all.” All Christians are to be submissive people because of their respect for Christ (Eph. 5:21). This act is not celebrated in our culture, but the truth is that it is highly honored by God and is one of the most important fruits of the gospel in a person’s life.

Submission is a matter of the heart, and it is likely a daily matter for a wife who is growing in Christ in her marriage.

In fact, the New Testament is clear that marriage is supposed to be a picture of the gospel. The gospel should shape everything about how a husband and wife relate to one another. Their children should see the gospel when they see a wife’s deferential respect to her husband and a husband’s loving words and sacrifice for the good of his wife. Together, husband and wife are mirroring Christ and the church to those around them (Eph. 5:22–33).

Every act of submission then is an act of worship and discipleship to Christ. A wife offers submission or obedience to a husband not ultimately because he deserves it (though it would be a lot easier if he did!), but because Jesus deserves it. The gospel is worth it. Submission is how a wife follows Christ in her marriage.

Submission is a fitting response to the gospel, and this leads to the second observation.

2. We should be able to plainly exhort wives to submit to their husbands.

It is common for people to speak about these commands as if they rarely apply in a marriage. Some might say, “This verse just means that if a husband and a wife come to loggerheads on a big decision, the husband has the tie-breaking vote. But in a healthy marriage this rarely, if ever, happens.” It is true that, as the head of a household, the husband should make the final decision on an important matter facing the family. He should absolutely listen to and consult with his wife. She is his helper—he should seek out her help! He may decide that she is right in a disagreement or go with her view instead of his own. Nonetheless, he is still responsible for the decision. (We’ll talk more about this in the next article.) 

But when I talked with my wife about this, she mentioned that God’s commands about submission speak most deeply to the heart posture of a woman. Submission and respect are a state of mind and a disposition of spirit. Is the first impulse of a wife criticism or distrust? Is she quick to speak poorly about her husband to others? (It should be noted that there is a difference between a woman who tells all her friends openly about the failings of her husband and a woman in a difficult marriage who seeks help from one or two trusted and godly confidants. In fact, the Bible encourages wives to find outside help when there is sinful behavior in the marriage. This will be addressed below.) 

Submission is a matter of the heart, and it is likely a daily matter for a wife who is growing in Christ in her marriage.

This helps us to understand why the Bible makes submission such a central command in scripture. With the small amount of marriage instruction given in the New Testament, why would the Lord focus on an issue if it only rarely applied? 

Therefore, women should exhort one another to submission and respect for their husbands as a regular part of their communal discipleship. Older women will need to say these challenging words to younger women, who need to be prepared to hear them. Our church should embrace this. This does not mean that a wife should endure an abusive situation in silence, or that the church should ever expect her to do so (this is addressed below). But if the Bible says this (submission) is the main exhortation wives need for healthy marriages, then we should say it to one another confidently, despite the views of the broader culture.

What if a marriage seems so broken that these commands feel almost impossible? The third point addresses this question. 

3. God’s commands paint a picture of the goal for a Christ-centered marriage.

Some might argue that it is not helpful to tell a couple in a broken marriage, “You need to submit, you need to love. Just do it!” The hurt or sin that has occurred in the marriage may limit their capacity to obey those commands. In cases like this, the church should be patient and provide discipleship and prayer for the couple.

Then how do God’s commands work in this situation?

I think it is helpful for a couple to think of the “household” commands not only as direct imperatives (“do this”), but also as concise pictures of what a healthy marriage looks like. Marriages that are struggling need to know, “Where are we headed?” If a couple comes to counseling with a pastor, a mature Christian or a professional counselor, they need to know the answer to, “If this process works, what will our marriage look like in the end?” The Bible’s commands are the response to this question. Both spouses need to keep this target in sight.

This perspective is important because Christians must be discerning when they receive marriage advice. They have to ask themselves, “If we follow this particular advice, will we become like the marriage picture given in the scriptures?” There is plenty of advice out there that can offer a spouse fleeting, insufficient relief. For example, “You need to get angry about what you are dealing with! You've been wronged!” There may very well be sin that needs to be confronted and addressed in the marriage; however, if a heart embraces “I need to get angry,” where will that path end? Will it lead a husband to be more loving and a wife to be more respectful? Likely not.

Then what does it look like for a struggling marriage to address sin faithfully? Again, God’s word is our guide.

4. Respect and submission do not restrict a wife from saying to her husband, “You cannot sin against me.”

Scripture must be interpreted by other scripture. If a wife is in a situation where her husband is persistently or grievously sinning against her, should she just endure it?

This is a complicated question, but for now I am going to assume that the husband is a Christian. In this case, the Bible not only says, “Wives, submit to your husbands in all things,” but also our Lord says in Matthew 18:15–17:

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

This saying applies to wives who are in difficult marriages. If your “brother” (your husband) is sinning against you or abusing you, Jesus says you do not need to tolerate it. Furthermore, he gives you instructions on how to handle it. It may take courage (go to the Lord for your strength), but a woman is commanded by Jesus to prayerfully say, “You cannot sin against me like that.” 

Some advice and encouragement on both respecting and confronting a husband at the same time may be helpful. It is possible to maintain a “gentle and quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:4) while also clearly stating that the behavior needs to stop. This might take extra prayer, and can only be done in the power of the Holy Spirit. In some cases, it is worth considering using words like, “When you do this…it makes me feel like…”. This sort of phrasing helps to avoid globalizing statements (e.g. “You always do this”), which tend to be harder to receive and are more alienating.

If a husband doesn’t listen or if he persists in his sinful behavior, it is not disrespectful to ask someone for help. He might object, but the word of Jesus commands you to do it. This outside help could come from a pastor or from a godly person you trust. Pastor Matt, our session, and I welcome you to come to us if you need help.

Someone might say, “Yes, the Bible says this, but the church needs to act on it. That doesn’t always happen.” I’ll offer two thoughts on this.

First, by writing this, I am calling our church to enter into sinful marriages and to hold our members accountable to love one another. This is also committing our church to build structures of support so that members (especially women) in difficult situations have recourse for help. We have work to do in improving in this way. Our session has made this a top priority for this ministry year.

Second, when people are in conflict, it is generally not as simple as, “This person is righteous, the other person is wicked.” The church must be careful to listen to and trust women about what they are experiencing in their marriages. Women must also be prepared for the church to call them to obedience to Christ as well as to their husbands. We hope the wives of our church will experience gentleness and support in this. But sometimes, “The church didn’t do anything” might more accurately be expressed, “The church didn’t do what I thought they should do.” 

These instructions from the scriptures are so practical in guiding us through the messiness of life. But the healthiness found in day-to-day interactions is ultimately about knowing Christ. Jesus has such profound love for the wives in our community. He has chosen you; he has purchased you with his own blood. He did all this in submission to his Father. In these commands, he is inviting you to know him more deeply and to share in his life. 

I have such high regard for the calling of a wife. I’ve seen the care, prayer, thought, and wisdom it demands of my own wife. For those of us who are married, our marriage is one of the key places of our sanctification in the Christian life. God’s word is so essential, and it is powerful. It is from hearts that trust in the love of our savior Jesus that we also trust the Word that he has given to us. It is our only rule for life and faith.

That is true for wives. It is true for husbands as well, whom I will address in the next article.