Train Your Teen to Use Tech Wisely
Your role as a parent is not simply to allow some things and not others, nor to enforce rules. Especially as your child enters the teenage years, your role is to train your child in making wise choices.
As more and more of our church’s children are becoming teenagers, more of their parents are asking questions about how to help them be wise with technology. And they should be. We all inherently know that unfettered, unmonitored access to the internet and social media is dangerous. In fact, the surgeon general recently demanded that social media apps come with warning labels, like cigarettes do. There is an emerging mental health crisis among teenagers across the country, and many believe social media is a significant contributing factor.
Here are some principles and practices that can help you in your approach as parents. When it came to the “practices” part, I surveyed our elders to ask what their practices are, and I’ll summarize some key ones then.
Biblical Principles
Train your teen
The first thing is to remember that you are training your teen. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Your role as a parent is not simply to allow some things and not others, nor to enforce rules. Especially as your child enters the teenage years, your role is to train your child in making wise choices. One of our ruling elders put it this way: “Similar to having a driver's permit, we are ‘in the car with them’ at all times. This isn't because we don't trust our kids, but because they are in training and just don't know enough yet to make good decisions.”
Your best chance at teaching your kids how to exercise wisdom is to exercise wisdom yourself in front of them.
So, as a general rule, think, “How do I want my children to use social media once they leave the household?” Then, aim for that. Arm them with principles that will help them make wise, biblical decisions on their own. Because someday, they won’t have your rules to follow. They’ll make their own rules, and if they don’t have meaningful convictions in place, their base instincts will decide their rules. Not good. But you can set them up for what is good.
We become what we behold
One biblical conviction to instill in your children is that we become what we behold:
Those who make [idols] become like them;
so do all who trust in them. (Psalm 115:8)
As we worship something—be it illicit sex in pornography or vain glory in social media or sloth in the infinite scroll—we become like it. It begins to form our deepest desires, beginning a vicious cycle. Teens need to know that their online behavior is not neutral. What they give their eyes to, they give their hearts to.
But this works in the positive direction, too. 2 Corinthians 3:18 says, “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.” As we give our attention to the Lord and the things of the Lord, we are shaped more and more into his image.
And so, a foundational conviction behind media use is that attention drives affections. That is, what I give my attention to shapes my affections. So, directing our attention toward what is good is key.
Run the 4:8 test
With that in mind, we’re ready for the 4:8 test. Memorize Philippians 4:8 and run whatever your family might consume through it: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
First of all, this passage may lead you to dramatically limit screen time. Often, you will find that the more commendable use of time is to go outside, read a book, or spend time as a family.
Secondly, the passage will filter out almost everything on offer on social media and streaming platforms. You’ll do better at keeping garbage out, and what you do let in will be thought-provoking and help you think of things of substance.
Thirdly and more positively, this can help you make good use of technology. For example, one elder’s family has two principles they try to abide by that dovetail nicely with the 4:8 test:
Creating over consuming: As a family, we value creating things on screens over consuming content on screens. That is, we prefer writing stories, creating digital art, building relationships via email and chat, doing school work, etc. to scrolling through a feed of content, watching YouTube videos, playing games, and even reading blog posts or listening to audiobooks.
Community over isolation: We do partake in consuming on screens and appreciate the entertainment value. The general principle of moderation here is to see whether it brings you closer or separates you from those around you. Watching a movie or playing a video game can help build camaraderie if done together, or it can isolate if done on one's own. We prefer the former, if for nothing more than building shared memories and stories. We talk about it later and enjoy one another's company afterward. Also, solo consumption just doesn't fit under the tent of “training.” It is too easy to make costly mistakes without supervision in the early years.
What’s nice about these principles is they don’t dumb things down to “Screen time bad.” Instead, they find ways to harness technology as a tool for creativity and connection. Screen time good.
Sin starts with wandering
In Proverbs 7, we learn about the young man who lacks sense and finds himself face-to-face with an adulteress. Unable to stand against her powerful allure, he falls headfirst into sin—and it costs him his life.
But the teen’s first mistake wasn’t failing to resist temptation. It was putting himself in the way of temptation:
I have perceived among the youths,
a young man lacking sense,
passing along the street near her corner,
taking the road to her house
in the twilight, in the evening,
at the time of night and darkness. (v. 7-9)
Temptation to sin is like a magnet: the closer you get to it, the stronger it is. The teen in this story brought himself into the magnetic field—he walked into temptation and did so at a time of increased susceptibility (nighttime).
The same is true when it comes to pornography and other inappropriate online activity. Many of the sinful, dangerous, and damaging things your teen could do online can be cut off at the source by (a) being busy with good things and (b) having good boundaries. Regarding (a), if you are preoccupied with homework, extracurriculars, family activities, church commitments, time with friends, projects, etc., you have less time to get into trouble. Being properly busy with good things will help distance yourself from folly. Regarding (b), you can distance yourself from the magnetic power of sexual temptation by not going near its house in the first place. For example, don’t have apps like TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram on your phone, which have a mind-boggling amount of pornographic material on them. And certainly, don’t let your child wander around unmonitored (more on that below).
Model wisdom
We end somewhat where we begin, with the remembrance that you are training your teen. And your own behavior is the best and strongest teacher. Are you modeling the kind of relationship with technology you want your children to have when they grow up? The odds are you aren’t, and you can be honest about it when you mess up. I like how one of our elders put it:
We as parents try to model these principles as best we can, and our kids keep us accountable to them as well. It isn't unheard of to get a "Hey Dad, I've noticed you've been on your phone a lot lately. Is everything ok?" Sometimes, I've got work or church things going on that need to be more closely monitored, and I explain that. But more often, my child’s voice is the voice of reason, helping me to realize I've been retreating into my phone when things get challenging in the real world. My wife and I talk with our kids about our deliberate habits with technology as well as areas that we struggle with. I think that parental modeling is more important than all the best rules in the world. If the parents can't moderate their use, their kids will have a severe handicap.
Well said. Ultimately, your best chance at teaching your kids how to exercise wisdom is to exercise wisdom yourself in front of them.
Some Practices
Now let’s get to some nuts-and-bolts rules, practices, etc. for wisdom and safety when it comes to screen time. Consider this an organized collection of wisdom the elders shared with me.
Be careful about what devices you let in
Delay giving your kids a smartphone for as long as possible. One elder wrote, “No one ever said, ‘Dang, I wish I would have gotten my kid a smartphone earlier.’ I have actually heard from several friends that got smartphones for their kids that they wished they would have waited longer.”
Give them a “training” phone like the Gabb phone, which has calling, texting, and a camera but no internet.
Have a shared family laptop or computer that’s out in the open.
Watch out for flip phones, which do in fact have internet and are actually harder to regulate, whereas iPhones can be easier to regulate with parental controls.
Apple Watches are a good way to allow your kids to text and call and for you to track them.
Use accountability and parental controls, and monitor usage
Consider looking into the following tools:
Bark (Bark also has a lot of educational content for parents about how to keep their children safe online. Warning: some of the material in their content is disturbing because they don’t shy away from revealing what’s out there.)
Circle (similar to Bark)
Pay attention to what your kids are doing online. One elder wrote, “Monitor their usage (check history); read their texts and emails. This is easier said than done. We generally do random check-ins and go over what their usage has been. Get a software program that doesn't allow bad websites and helps track (Bark, Circle, etc).”
Limit screen time and make it something they earn
On the iPhone, you can manage their screen time by category.
Severely limit screen time during the school week to help them prioritize studies. One elder wrote, “Generally speaking, we don't allow screens during the school week. Thursday nights to weekends are when screens are allowed. Obviously, special occasions are fine.”
On the weekends, let up a bit, but make it something they earn—for example, by doing chores, Bible reading, other reading, homework, etc. “The easiest way to limit screens is to keep them busy,” one elder’s wife wrote.
Social media
One elder had some specific advice around this, and it’s in the same vein as what I taught the youth group last year in a lesson on social media: “We do not allow social media for our kids. I think they can make the decision to use social media when they are adults. I think overall, social media can be very detrimental for kids. Along with that, talk with your friends about your plans. It is way easier for kids not to be tempted by social media or having a smartphone if no one else has it also.”
Ease them into things
Mitch and Théa Rosenburg shared a helpful progression they’ve been using with their girls:
When the girls are around 5 or so, they get 15 minutes after lunch to “play on the iPad,” which just has silly little educational games on it.
Around the age of 10, the girls have another 15 minutes to start learning internet safety. We use games from https://beinternetawesome.withgoogle.com/ as a starting point for this. They also start to learn to type at this age. This time with the computer has affectionately become known as “typing,” because that's what they start out doing.
Usage of the Gabb phone must be authorized by a parent at this age as well. They can take pictures and text their parents and grandparents. This one phone is shared by all the siblings; we treat it like a household landline.
Over the next couple of years, “typing” becomes more time to write stories or correspond with friends not in Bellingham. They can work on creative endeavors that they enjoy (e.g., writing stories, creating digital art, etc.).
At 13 (or Logic School age), they get their first email address and can start emailing with friends, teachers, and grandparents. “Typing” time increases to an hour on non-school days.
At this stage, they start using the computer a lot for school as well. There's no restriction on time for school work, but a parent must be home to be on the computer (one of the only really strict rules).
Usage of the Gabb phone is not really regulated at 13, as it is meant as a communication tool and can't do much else. This phone gives them enough freedom to get a taste for what unmoderated use can look like, which we think is valuable in the learning process. But because the phone has limited apps and no internet access, the mistakes they can make with it are minor.
16+? This is still uncharted territory for us. No one has their own phone yet, which will likely be tied to getting a driver's license. I would expect to see some of the training wheels start to come off at this stage but with new ones being added as we start to navigate the social media waters and things like that.
Case Study
Let’s apply all of this briefly to a real-life question some of the parents in our church are facing. Consider this scenario:
My teenager and her classmates have been using Google Chat to keep in touch, and while it sounds like it's all much cleaner and more personal than social media, I (and a few other parents of teen girls that I've talked to) have struggled with where to put boundaries around it. Some girls seem to navigate it okay, while others would gladly spend all evening with their laptops open, waiting for the next post.
Two principles leap to mind when I read this:
You are training your teen. You can sense the tension in this scenario. On the one hand, Google Chat has become a tool for your teen to build and maintain friendships. On the other hand, it now has a grip on her. What you want to do is help her use the tool in a healthy way. I think here, you want to talk her through this dynamic and then apply a boundary to curb the negative effects of the tool. Something like, “I’m really glad you want to connect with your friends; it’s good to prioritize relationships. But we also need to learn to feel okay being alone or not hearing from our friends for a while. You can participate in the chat for 30 minutes before dinner, but it’s off after that.”
We become what we behold. One danger with keeping your laptop or device open all night is that you begin to believe things like “It’s not okay if my friends don’t reach out to me” or “I can’t handle not knowing what’s going on” or “Real life is boring; all the good stuff is happening online.” By keeping our attention on our devices, we train our hearts to love what is new, instant, flashy, or gossipy, and thus, we divest our attention from the people in front of us and the God who wants to commune with us in prayer. So here, it’s important to step in and teach your child the lies underneath this behavior and how they contradict biblical values.
May God bless you in training your teen in online wisdom. If you can keep a clear eye on the principles and give most of your attention to modeling a healthy relationship with technology, the specifics will come to you.
For more on this topic, you might read The Tech-Wise Familyby Andy Crouch and/or the book he co-wrote with his daughter, My Tech-Wise Life. This blog post provides a good summary of The Tech-Wise Family.
