Still Stuck in a Pornography Addiction? Try This
Last year, Pastor Nate outlined three key strategies for overcoming sin—gospel, community, and behavior—in his article, “What Should I Do if My Husband is Addicted to Pornography?” This summer, I saw these principles in action as I led a group of men through Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace. By applying these strategies, the men made significant progress and have remained porn-free for over three months.
Last year pastor Nate wrote an article titled “What Should I Do if My Husband is Addicted to Pornography?” At the end of the article, Nate outlined three broad strategies for repentance that we often use in repentance plans for any kind of sin: gospel, community, and behavior. These three, working together, are powerful for helping a Christian overcome sin and walk in the light.
I witnessed the success of this strategy firsthand this summer as I led a few men through the book Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace. These men wanted help overcoming their struggles with pornography and sexual sin, and by God’s grace, together they made great progress. In fact, as of this writing they are all three months free of porn.
To flee from porn, you must believe not only that God cleanses you of all your sins, but also that he is alive in you and that therefore you really are able to obey.
What was it about this experience that moved the needle for them? I will share some observations using the three aforementioned categories (gospel, community, and behavior). The men reported to me that the following held the most power for them.
Gospel
What made the book Finally Free so effective was its regular insistence on the power of the gospel to transform lives. The book has nine chapters, with chapters 2–8 all grounded in the first chapter’s teaching on the gospel. Two principles were especially helpful.
1. Forgiving Grace and Transforming Grace
Christians are quite familiar with forgiving grace: the fact that in Christ our sins are forgiven. Jesus Christ is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and when we believe in him, we are cleansed of our sins and forgiven by God. In the words of Col 2:13-14:
And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.
But another aspect of grace that is crucial for success in fleeing from sexual immorality is transforming grace: the truth that through the Spirit, we are joined to Christ, and he is now alive in us and empowering us to follow him. We are new creations. We do not live by our own strength but by the Spirit; God himself animates our life and obedience. This, too, is a grace. We were created in Christ for good works, that we should walk in them (Eph 2:10). This is not something we achieve but that is given to us as a free gift of grace.
When fleeing sexual immorality, it is so encouraging to look to your right or left and see brothers running alongside you.
To flee from porn, you must believe not only that God cleanses you of all your sins, but also that he is alive in you and that therefore you really are able to obey. When tempted to sin sexually, we must believe in transforming grace and say, “No, I really am I able to choose purity—I am made able by the Holy Spirit within me.”
You are not stained by your sin; you are cleansed and holy. This is the affirmation of forgiving grace. And you are not bound; you are free. This is the affirmation of transforming grace.
2. CAR (Confess sin, Affirm forgiveness, Request help to change)
The book supplied this acronym, and the guys in the group were all very helped by it. This is a simple way to remember how to respond when you fail to believe in transforming grace (that is, when you sin sexually):
Confess your sin. Confess to God that you have sinned against him, your own body, your spouse, and others by viewing pornography or sinning sexually in other ways. Confess the spiritual dynamics of it, too: that in viewing porn, you rejected the goodness of God and the love of God and his perfect law, and instead proudly insisted on your own way.
Affirm God’s forgiveness. Affirm that in Christ you are fully forgiven; there is no more atoning work to be done—your grief (while appropriate) does not atone for your sin; nor does your future effort (though appropriate) atone for your sin. You stand justified before God solely because of Christ’s work.
Request Jesus’ grace to change. Call on God’s transforming grace and ask him for help not to sin again. Get specific.
The foundation of the fight for purity is the gospel: the forgiving and transforming grace of God available to us in Christ. Make use of this grace!
Community
A second source of transformational power in our group was community. In particular, two aspects of community were helpful in moving the needle:
1. Confession
Speaking your sin aloud has a way of both making it more real and also disarming its power. Sin is like mold; it thrives in the darkness. Confession uncovers sin and brings it into the light. And like mold, sin hates the open air. Confessing your sin aloud to others is essential for moving past it.
It’s also important to confess your sin to those you sin against, which in this case (if you are married) is your spouse. Now, there are some practical considerations to make (such as which details to share and which to keep to yourself), and you should seek wise counsel before making a confession. You would also be helped by reading chapter 4 of Finally Free, which goes into detail about some of those practical considerations. All the same, if you are married and struggling with a pornography addiction, barring some extenuating circumstances, you must confess to your spouse.
2. Accountability
Closely related to confession is accountability. When fleeing sexual immorality, it is so encouraging to look to your right or left and see brothers running alongside you. Just like sin thrives in the dark, it also thrives when we are in isolation. When we are isolated, we fight alone and without encouragement. When we are arm-and-arm with other believers, we draw strength from each other and desire to encourage each other with a positive report. If you are struggling against sexual sin, surround yourself with brothers (or sisters, if you are a woman) who can fight alongside you.
Behavior
At some point, the rubber needs to meet the road. The following behaviors were especially helpful for the brothers in the group this summer.
1. Airtight lack of access
Chapter 4 of Finally Free is titled “Using Radical Measures to Fight Pornography.” This is an application of Matthew 5:29 to the fight against pornography:
If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.
This summer, the brothers agreed together to get serious about cutting off their access to pornography. They installed internet monitoring and blocking software. They had their wives create password locks on their devices. They put devices in highly inconvenient places. They each knew the little paths they would take to sin, and they positioned barricades there. It looks different for everyone, but the general rule is the same: radically cut off access to whatever you use to watch porn.
2. Gratitude
Since pornography use is closely related to covetousness, one essential antidote is gratitude. Rather than feeding your greedy appetite for more of what you should not have, you can practice the biblical commandment of gratitude and thanksgiving, thanking God for all the good gifts he has seen fit to give you. You can thank him for your spouse (if you are married), for your church, friendship, your home, your body, the Pacific Northwest, and on and on. And the more you thank God for his gifts, the more you will find your appetite for sin to dry up. Gratitude is a slow drip that changes the orientation of your heart away from greedy consumption and toward godly satisfaction.
There is, of course, much more to say on this topic. I am under no impression that this advice alone is your key to victory. However, I am confident that if there is anything in this article you haven’t tried, you should begin now. Rely on the transforming grace of the gospel. Draw strength from others in community. Get serious about the behaviors that are feeding your life of sin instead of starving it. All of this you can do in the Spirit, because of God’s great grace to you and Jesus Christ. For freedom Christ has set you free (Gal 5:1)—so go, be free.
PS. A great next step for you would be to buy Finally Free by Heath Lambert and find a friend or two or three to read it with—and follow its advice. I also encourage you to email me (matt.boffey@christchurchbellingham.org) if you want help in the fight. I am eager to lead more men through a purity group.
